my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
