I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
