My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
