I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
false alarm. still invincible.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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