Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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