I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
