i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
