I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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