As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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