sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize