My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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