And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
