She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
