my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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