hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
