ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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