You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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