Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
