Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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