He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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