I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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