How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
