I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
