so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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