This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
