It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
