Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
