This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
