I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
