I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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