I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
