watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
