Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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