My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
