Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
