i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize