i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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