Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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