I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
