i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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