the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
