I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
