from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
