guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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