you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
