She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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