I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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