I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
