I am puke
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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