Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
