I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
