I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
