had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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