Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
