I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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