dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize