True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
