My sheets look like a crime scene.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
