There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
