Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
