i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
