I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
